The last few years have been a combined effort between HE and I to clean up the big messes we thought we could just leave behind. Our "affair" came at a high cost, and now...we are on the brink of having that paid off.
Riding the scooter has been one of the most humbling day-to-day tasks I endure, because it is not luxury by any means. I love to smell the air as I drive passed the Bourbon grill on Colfax, or down 13th by Liks Ice Cream Shoppe. I get to look at the sky, because on a scooter, your vision is not limited by a roof, visors, or the dashboard. In the cold months, I do a lot of carpooling and public transportation. Both of which, are also very humbling.
As the transition becomes more and more challenging, so does my attitude. I want to feel excitement instead of the feeling of dread that something new is going to pop up and make life difficult again. With a huge financial burden about to be lifted, a big office move in the forecast, and a possible new direction professionally within my company, all the wheels are spinning and there is no way to get off of this ride. Life is changing, with or without me.
HE and I will be taking this next year to discuss our future. Our dreams, aspirations, and relationship goals. For the first time in our relationship, we won't simply be reacting to life; we'll be determining what we want from it.
It has gotten very tiring, looking over my shoulder, and unavoidably worrying about the bottom falling out of either of our lives. It's pretty tough to pull the plug on a woman who has already lost everything and in the midst of it, found a love that is so beautiful and graceful that it brings me to tears at times. Yes, life has been hard. I have worried for years that Germany was the best year of my life, and would always be. But as I get older, and with my ten year reunion coming up, I find the memories of my Deutschland excursion are fading and new ones are replacing them.
I have lines on my face that didn't exist four years ago, and weight around my ass and midsection that can only be justified by stress and my proclivity to libate. If a girl can't go on a Caribbean vacation, then she should be allowed to drink until she no longer knows where she is... right? That probably explains my overall exhaustion, nah...it must be something else.
As the familiar feeling of anxiety comes and goes, I remain hopeful that the feeling I have is actually excitement, a long missed friend. Once this fear, dread, anxiety is fully replaced by excitement and determination, perhaps I will remind myself once again that I want this life to be a massive success. I want to smile, to dance, love, sing, write and play. I suppose I'll work too, but that is only to support what I really want to do :)
Halfway to fifty is now over two years old, and I'm writing more for myself than anyone else. IF you stumbled upon my rant, feel free to leave a comment. A nudge, an encouraging word. God Bless.
